Originally appeared in LBW

I did not start out to be a female dominant. I started out my life as an SM player as an extremely piggish masochist, an uppity one at that. But now, I have my own full-time slave and am usually identified as a female dom. How does one go from one extreme to the other?

First of all, the transition is more logical when one considers the common strengths of both the top and bottom roles I play. As a smart-assed masochist (for a detailed definition, see "The Lesbian S/M Safety Manual" edited by Pat Califia, Alyson Publications, Boston, MA) one of my main interests was the battle of wills between myself and my top. The smart-ass often has a deep need to submit but cannot do so without a struggle and so needs to have control taken away forcibly. The smart-ass is a strong-willed individual, self-confident and proud. These qualities are part of what makes a good dom, and are the basis for my Top personality just as they were an important part of my Bottom personality.

Second, I had some excellent teachers in the Tops who played with me. These Tops were not afraid to engage in a battle of wills with me; their own capabilities and confidence assured them (and me) that no matter how strong I was, I could be conquered. They took great delight in my resistance and showed me by their enthusiasm that surely it could be as much fun to lay on the whip as to be on the receiving end. And by their exemplary techniques and conduct, when my turn came to Top someone else, I was well-equipped with not just the physical tools, but a deep understanding of the complex dynamics of wills at work in a scene. The flexibility to go beyond the cut-and-dried "Me dom, you sub, ergo I flog you" scene is what allowed the deep lasting bond between myself and my current full-time slave to form.

Am I still the uppity bottom at heart? Well, I do still enjoy playing that role, and I would not be happy if I never had the chance to play it again. I do not believe that people must have only one "true" nature, exclusively dom or sub, at heart. Some, perhaps, do, just as some people are attracted sexually only to women, but others find both men and women attractive. I am not a "sub" who plays at being above my station, nor am I a dom who only bottoms to keep "in shape." (I do believe that it is a good idea for tops to take a taste of what they dish out for a more complete understanding of what their bottoms are going through.) When I am dominant, I am hungry to mold another will to mine, to shape what is mine, to Own. And to those who call me Lady, that is what matters most.

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