Nonmonogamy, of course, is not just a bisexual issue, and of course bisexual people can be happily monogamous! But that's the subject of another essay...

Rights to reprint, of course, held by yours truly.

Originally appeared in the BiWomen newsletter, April/May 1995 issue

I am an active non-monogamist. Both as a bisexual and as a member of the SM community, I find I'm just not happy if my erotic and emotional options are limited to just one person. I think I am not alone in this, but it has taken me years of fine-tuning to figure out the best ways of working out how both partners can get their needs met. My current primary relationship has now been going strong three and a half years with no sign of wearing thin, so I seem to have hit on a formula that works for both me and my partner. Rather than blather on about the actual details of our relationship which might or might not be illuminating, I thought it might be more helpful if I offered up some of the critical tools and ideas that I needed to get to this point.

This first thing is to decide that non-monogamy (or polyamory) is okay. There is a problem with non-monogamy and it is this. Even after we have come out as bisexual, even after we have accepted the fact that we don't necessarily fit into the neat categories of gender and sexuality that mainstream society has drawn for us as individuals, it may still seem wrong to have multiple partners. Let's face it, it's hard to fly in the face of what every story book moral says--"and they lived happily ever after" means the hero and the princess were loyal, committed, virtuous, and good to one another forever. So here's what you need to hear: not being monogamous does not mean you are not committed, not loyal, or not good. Cheating on your partner is wrong. Developing a relationship that allows you both to love others, is not. Listening to one another's needs and working out boundaries that you are both comfortable with demonstrates and builds a kind of commitment to one another that "blind" monogamy doesn't. I like to think of it in this way--by going out and having outside relationships and garnering new experiences, I grow more as a person and I am enriched. I bring back what I have learned to my primary partner and it enriches our relationship and gives us even more upon which to build a partnership.

The second thing to realize is that this a bisexual's issue in particular for the fairly straightforward reason that if one is attracted to both men and women, then multiple partners may be the only way to get ones needs met. Even if you and your current partner are happily monogamous, if it doesn't last, and you remain in the bi community, polyamory is an issue you will certainly have to deal with at some point.

The third thing to realize is that polyamory comes in many forms and that you may have to experiment to find the balance that works best for you and your partner. Consider these options:

Monogamy

Monogamy is an acceptable choice for a relationship! Monogamy is not merely the monolithic dinosaur of mainstream marriage--it has deep roots of commitment when both partners feel their bond is strengthened by sacrificing outside erotic interests for each other's sake. Don't knock it just because it's what married hets supposedly do. Just don't accept it blindly as the only option.

Single-sex polyamory

You and your partner may decide that it is alright to seek outside relationships with people of one sex but not the other. For one example, Joseph and Mary are bi. Mary is allowed to have other women lovers, Joe, male lovers, but she is the only woman for him, he is the only man for her.

Veto Polyamory

Each partner is allowed to seek out other relationships, but they must each seek each other's approval prior to doing anything. That way they can "veto" each other's choices beforehand.

Poly-except-for-X

There may be specific erotic activities you reserve only for each other, such as kissing on the lips, or penetration.

Multiple Monogamy

When there are three or more of you in a mutual relationship, and you agree not to have relations outside of the group, but you can "mix and match" within the group.

Two-On-One

The two of you can have sex with a third party if all three of you are present.

Obviously, many of these can be combined to suit you, and there are even more ways to slice it. It all depends upon your priorities and the limits you feel comfortable with. You must also consider the difference between being allowed to have sex with outside partners and being allowed to have Relationships with outside partners. A partner who doesn't feel threatened by you sleeping around may be completely opposed to you having deep emotional connections to someone else. Another partner may not mind you spending a lot of time with someone else, supporting them emotionally, and even interacting with them erotically, just as long as you don't "go all the way."

The key is in having open discussion about what is and is not acceptable, not waiting to "see how it works out." Talk these things over with your partner(s), show them this article and see how they feel. You may find, too, that as each of you meet new people or others do get involved with you, that you may have a different comfort level at different times. Accept that people change, and that trying to always live by monolithic rules set in stone can lead to misery. You might have thought you wouldn't mind if your partner slept with someone else... but then when it turns out to be one of your own ex-lovers you find you can't stand the idea. We should all be adult enough to admit when we were wrong, and not to "call on" one another "But you Promised!" The dialogue must remain open. You may have to reevaluate your standards for polyamory on a case by case basis. I wish I could say there was just one simple answer, but there isn't. Every relationship is different. After all, if they weren't, we would only ever have but one!

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